Let it be

There's just too much to think about. After I wrote my Christmas wishes, I got to thinking about the weather, Cale's next infusion, people traveling this week, money, etc. Then positive thoughts like seeing my children's faces when they open their presents, not knowing what my inlaws got me for Christmas (I know what everyone gets, but they're surprising me!), and seeing my favorite cousins who are like my little sisters.

How is it that a holiday can bring about so many different thoughts and emotions?

The weather is supposed to turn bad tonight and stay that way. Therefore my husband has been forced into a decision - to go or not to go the 40 miles to work. We need the money to make the house payment (and every other payment), but if he dies on the ice, it's kind of a moot point. But if he stays home and it doesn't do what's forecasted, he'll be mad. It's better to risk on the side of safety...the forecast is pretty certain this time. But the decision is still hard.

Our son's next infusion is Monday. He visits the immunologist this afternoon. Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn. Every time he touches his head, I think "does he have a headache?" And when he's not hungry, I think, "Is he going to get sick?" Last night he wanted to go to bed early...with no school. And he'd slept in. "What's wrong?" I think. Not a single moment goes by that I'm not experiencing gut-wrenching panic over my son's health. That Christmas wish for health is especially for him. I just want him to feel good on Christmas. But what if he has a reaction again? My husband and I will miss work to be with him in the hospital. I'll miss deadlines. We'll lose pay. We won't be able to make our payments. Why does it have to be so hard?

So I have one more Christmas wish. Peace. Peace for within myself. That I can experience the joy of Christmas without panicking about health issues, money matters and weather. I need to let go and let God. Let him handle it. Let him be born. Let myself feel his love. LET IT BE.