Not ready

I saw my doctor today. For the first time in 6 years, I saw on his face the same expression that he had when he pulled his stool up next to me during my first labor and said, "There's a problem." When you see that look on his face, you stop and think.

I turn 30 in about a month and he recommends that something should be taken from me that helps define who I am as a woman. As a mother. As a human. I know that I will be all of those things afterwards, but I can't help but wonder if I will feel as empty as I did when I lost my ability to have more children. I knew it was necessary. I knew it was for my safety and well being. I knew that it was the only way I'd stay a mother and a human (and alive, we found out later). But I still lost a piece of myself. And now that he's admitted that round one was a "complete failure," the only option is to put me under the knife again.

As a tear fell down my cheek, he said that it's harder emotionally than physically. He's an amazing doctor and he's saved me on more than one occasion. But what does he know? At the end of the day, he's still a man. Unless you've held what your womb once did, you can't know. I know that it needs done. He wants to do it tomorrow - that fact alone negates his sympathy. But I need just a little time to prepare myself for what it will feel like on the other side. And as much as I trust his opinion, he can't see into my heart. Only I can do that.