The Blahs

My husband has a new name for me. Mrs. Blah. Not because I rattle on and on about stuff...as in Blah, Blah, Blah. It's because I HAVE the blahs.

I feel blah. I look blah. I think blah. I see blah.

I spent the weekend with my cousin, who is more like my sister. I helped her shop for maternity clothes, as she is expecting her first baby. She took me to her new office where she has a new, exciting career (not without bumps - she was let go from her previous job a week before her wedding). She was talking about them getting ready to start house hunting as soon as baby arrives this fall. She looks amazing - every expectant woman does in spite of her growing belly. She is still newlywed. She is on top of the world.

The world hasn't hit them yet. Hopefully their child isn't born ill. Hopefully neither of their parents will come down with a terminal illness in the next few years.

All the way home, I thought about my blahs. My career - great, yes. But I've been doing the same basic job for 11 years, just a few different places. House? Been there, I'm on #3. Babies? Been there. Had 2, can't have more. Newlyweds? SOOOO last decade. Looks? Lost tons of weight a couple of years ago that got me lots of kudos, but have been the same since. Hair? Same color/cut as always.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I feel like there is nothing really exciting happening in my life. I don't really have a "vision" that I'm working for. I tried to discuss this with my husband last night and we didn't get far.

"What do you have in mind for us for 10 years from now, when we're 40?" I asked.

"I dunno."

"Will we have gone a great trip? Paid off our house? Built a house? Will I have run a marathon? Will I have a master's degree?" I bated him.

"Trips cost money. We have to pay our house payment and always have medical bills. We can't pay off our house early, because we can't pay more than the minimum. I NEVER want to build a house, I plan to live in this house forever. Why would you want to run a marathon - you hate to run. Will a master's benefit your career, or do you want to just check it off your to-do list?"

BLAH! It's not that he was being spiteful or anything. He was just telling it like it was. I don't really care to build a house either. Or run a marathon (he doesn't know I signed up for one this fall yet). Yes, I want a masters, but I don't know what in yet, so in essence he is right - I do just want to check it off my list. See? Blah!

The kids aren't really in anything yet to get excited about. The excitement of babyhood is behind them. Our 30th birthdays came and went without any hoorah, or even a party. We've been married 11 years and still haven't taken a honeymoon. We work hard, we pay our bills, we get through one medical crisis after another. Barely. You know what my husband's vision is? To pay all the bills and have money left over every month. That's his realistic, smack us in the face vision. And I'm right there with him. Who can dream of going to Wrigley Field when the hospital needs their money. TODAY.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I love my husband, my marriage is fulfulling, I adore my children and am bursting with pride over them. Before I know it our daughter will be doing amazing things in ballet and we'll be following our son on the golf course. But for NOW, I just feel hum-drum. These days, the most excitement in life is who danced or sang the best on TV.

That, my friends, is what you call "the blahs."