Finding the Words

It's been a very rough week. I've been trying to find the words, but believe it or not, I haven't been able to. During the night Wednesday, a high school friend died. He leaves behind his wife of 2 years and their unborn child, due in a few months. He leaves his class of students who were already in love with him, his colleagues - and his parents, siblings, grandparents and so many friends who loved him.

This man was not one of my closest childhood friends. But he was a friend. He's a part of every memory I have of band, high school football, drama, orchestra, choir and just being a teenager. His cousins were high school basketball stars. He was plugged in. He was always happy. He was a total goofball. And he was one of those people that just molds a space in your heart for a part of your life that you remember as FUN, EASY and COOL.

But it's more than that. His death was a kick in the gut. His beautiful wife, Lana, is expecting their first child. How does she go on? How does she face the coming days without him? Each kick, each ultrasound, the birth, the baby's first cry, first look, first EVERYTHING....comes without his or her daddy. At 30, did they have life insurance? They just bought a house. Will Lana lose her husband, her home and everything she knows to be real and true?

Nick died at the home of his parents. For whatever reason, he decided to go to their house for the night..maybe it was premonition. He hadn't felt good, he didn't want his pregnant wife to be sick. And he never went home. His mom and dad, who brought him into the world, saw him leave it 30 short years later. I CANNOT imagine waking up to find my husband next to me, not breathing, or finding my child in their bed not breathing in the morning. The pain is to much to bear to even think of it, much less live it.

His death had made me mourn more than I have in so long over the death of someone in my circle. I have been brought to tears so much this week, my eyes just burn. In church this morning, I fell completely apart and had to leave the room. Whenever I feel the embrace of my husband, I find myself thinking "what if he never touched me again?" When my children hug me, I think, "what if?"

Nick was a year younger than me, but so full of life. His death had made me examine my own life. It makes me want to shout from a mountain top "BUY LIFE INSURANCE!" "MAKE A WILL!" and "EMBRACE TODAY!"

One moment he was there. And then he was gone. I really still can't find the words. His funeral will be a reunion of probably hundreds of high school friends. Facebook has brought all of us together this week, and helped us reach out to each other. The years we spent growing up molded our lives. Those years were so formative of who we have become as adults, as spouses, as parents, and as children. Those years that I knew this amazing man are years that made me - ME - and Nick will always have a place in my heart.

May his child know someday what he brought to the lives of so many. And may we all learn from this sad end that life must be lived TODAY. Don't wait to tell someone you love them. Tell them NOW.

Rest in peace, Nick.