A Defining Moment

This is one of those really personal blog entries that is hard to write. I'm sure some of you will have strong opinions about it and scold me, others of you will agree with me. Others of you aren't parents yet, so you won't really relate. But whatever the outcome, I want to share.

Wednesday night, following several nights (and days) of all-out arguments with my 5-year old son with him being angry, mean, totally ignoring us, doing the opposite of what was asked of him, and generally making every waking minute with him miserable, I'd had enough. In the middle of one of his raging fits, I reached down and spanked him - on the hip more so than the buttocks - and I spanked him HARD. My hand burned afterwards. He looked up at me as if to say "Who are you and what did you just do to me?" I turned around, left the room, shut the door and then locked myself in the bathroom and cried.

When my husband and I became parents, we agreed not to use spanking as discipline. After several other methods failed, we did succumb to spanking a few times - but never to the point of hurting us or him. It was just enough to get his attention. I did more than get his attention that night - I rocked his world.

After a few minutes of composing myself, I re-entered his room to find him still sitting on the floor, sincere tears streaming down his face. I sat down, put him on my lap and just held him. He wrapped his arms around my neck and said "I'm sorry mommy." I said, "I'm sorry, too." And then we talked about why I did what I did and why I never wanted to do it again.

I'm told these fits are because he's in all-day kindergarten and his brain and body are totally overwhelmed all day long at school. So when he's home, it's his avenue to vent. His teacher refers to it as "game face." He's fine at school, then melts down after the "game" is over. I'm glad that if he has to do this, that he does it with us and not at school or with others. But when we only have a few hours with him in the evenings, and most of it is spent with dinner and getting ready for bed, it feels like there is no quality time.

Despite both of us regretting that moment Wednesday night, it gave us a chance to sit and just love each other for a few minutes. It reminded me that it's all quality time. And I understand now more than ever what my daddy meant when he used to say to me, "This hurts me more than it hurts you." That moment with my son was one of the defining moments of motherhood for me - and now that it's been defined, I'm perfectly content to cross it off the list.