FORE! What?

Our family went to play putt-putt recently. My five year old son got 2 holes in one and beat the living crap out of me. He’s never played before – EVER. Normally, I’d be beaming with pride. But I’m just cranky. Why? Because I have THREE WEEKS to learn how to play golf before I’m a team member for a tournament at work! I'm thinking I should enter him in my place.

For years, I’ve been planning charity golf tournaments. At the private liberal arts college I used to work for, I planned alumni tournaments at beautiful country clubs and had nearly 100 participants enter to raise money for the college. The day would go beautifully. Afterwards, a cocktail party, nice dinner and entertainment. It was always picturesque.

For the company I’m with now (a for-profit), I was one of the US Senior Open coordinators last year and I’m planning two golf tournaments in the next month. One is a memorial tournament for the wife of our CEO who passed away last year. We have 18 foursomes registered, sponsorships worth thousands of dollars and a beautiful reception planned in her memory. It will be a joyous and memorable occasion. (I’m not playing in that one – just presiding.)

But on August 25, my company is doing an employee tournament. They decided I should take a break from the running around that day and play in this one - either that or they're sick of me bossing them around, so they figure if they put clubs in my hand, I'll leave them alone. What most of them don’t know is that I’ve never swung a club in my life (putt-putt not counting). A few of them do know, since I nearly had a full blown heart attack when I saw my name on the sign up sheet. What the others won’t know won’t hurt them, right? As long as my 3 teammates are aware and are willing to lose, then we’re ok.

It can’t be that hard, can it? I mean, some of my colleagues can barely walk straight and play a round a week. My boss has two bum knees and plays almost every weekend. Here I am, a fit, young female, overflowing with tenacity. Maybe I’m a prodigy who just hasn’t been discovered.

So today, my boss brings a club to work. He nonchalantly calls me into his office. When I arrive, he's standing there waiting to give me my first lesson. There I am, standing in a dress and sandals - not ideal golf apparel. He puts the club in my hand - "Top hand first." Huh? "Top hand first." I'm lost. He looked at me like I was positively blonde.

Once I figured out holding the stupid club, he teaches me the stance.

"Bend your knees slightly and lean like this."

I'm thinking, "If I lean like that in this dress and someone walks in, the rumors will fly." But I did it anyway. He laughed. "Not like that silly. You're bending. Just lean." I try to mirror what this massive man next to me is doing. Finally with a grin, he says "Not bad." Luckily no one walked in. AWKWARD.

Ok, well I can hold a club and stand correctly now. The future is bright. Lord help me.