Pity Party

I'm trying to get everything ready for my son's birthday party tomorrow, but the only party I feel like having is a pity party. I'm sad that he's 6. I'm sad that my daughter is almost 3 and that there are no my children in our future. It was a choice we made - a choice based on medical fact that I needed a solution to my condition, or something worse might happen. And it's a good thing we made it because I just found out last week that had we decided to have another baby, my uterus would have ruptured and I probably would have left my husband and 2 kids behind, without a wife, mommy or a new sibling. And now a hysterectomy is in my near future - the result of complications from the "trauma" my uterus has suffered over the years.

And that's not all to the pity party. This is a little more trivial, but still a cloud hanging over my head. I'm at a frying point. I want to go on a vacation SO badly that I can taste it. And just as when you want a baby and everyone else around you is pregnant, the fact that I want to go away means that everyone around me is planning or returning from a splendid get-away. My friend Renee just got back from a Caribbean cruise and is already planning her next trip - to Tuscany. My sister and her family just returned from the Caribbean and Key West and are planning their next trip to Niagara Falls. My husband's brother's family just got back from Colorado. Another friend is getting ready to head to Illinois to visit friends and family - with their two sons in tow -because they CAN.

We can't go more than 3 hours from home because of my son's health. We can't leave our kids with anyone overnight for more than a night and go away just the two of us because inevitably, one of our children gets sick (Trust me, it's true - EVERY time). We spontaneously had a notion yesterday to plan a quick getaway this weekend, just the two of us, but finances retstrict it - we have to plant grass. Next week, we are going to Kansas City with the kids overnight just for a change of scenery, but it doesn't hold a candle to jet-skiing in the tropics or dirt biking in the mountains like the cousins did. My son can't swim in a pool or get near dirt without getting an infection.

I'm trying hard to see the light in all of this. But I'm growing increasingly teary. I know people have worse problems - I should just shut up and feel blessed in all that I have. But once in a while I can be envious and shallow. I will be over it soon. But until I am, you might ought to keep your vacation snapshots and video footage away from me!