This is Why

This morning after my son skipped down the street to his Papa to load into the family school bus to school, I dialed up my mother to check on her night. She was barely audible. All I got was some murmurs and I could hear oxygen. I instructed her to hang up so I could call her nurse. Upon doing so, I was informed that she had a 103 degree fever, her sats dropped to 80, she vomited during the night and she was in a lot of pain.

I had promised my son I'd come eat school lunch with him, so I begged (she made it easy) my mother in law to watch our little one all day so I could take care of things. With a delightful break in the day for that promised lunch, I spent the other hours running around like a mad-woman. I headed to the hospital. Things were not good. Her urine looked like red kool-aid, she was still vomiting and the doctor told me she was "a long way from better." I stayed and helped for a while, then headed to do errands for my dad - laundry, grocery shopping, legal paperwork, etc. At about 2:00, while deciding if he'd want shredded wheat or frosted flakes, I paused.

"This is why I'm here," I thought. A gesture as simple as picking out his cereal made tears stream down my face. I was the arms, legs and brain for my folks today - not because they asked me to, but because it was what I wanted - what I needed - to do.

Sure, I'm exhausted. The sheer mental anguish that comes with watching my 57-year old mother vomit in bed, helping her clean up, comb her hair, pay her bills - is enough to make me hurt in muscles I never knew existed. I climb into bed at 8:30 thinking I'll watch TV, but never get past one commercial break. I can't keep my own house clean, laundry done or fridge stocked. But knowing that my cancer-fatigued dad can rest when he comes home at night after being at work all day, then at the hospital with mom is filling the voids elsewhere. My children and husband aren't being neglected by any means (ask my son how good the homemade tacos were tonight), but they understand that their favorite shirt might not be clean because mommy had to do laundry at grandpa's today.

I'm not writing any of this to toot my own horn or anything. It is really just the first time since moving "home" that I took notice of why we truly did it. These people - my folks, my darling children, my wonderful hard-working husband, my beautiful grandmother, my supportive in-law family - they are why I quit my career, downsized my life, moved within blocks of them all and changed everything in my life that was routine. We're all in this together. Eventually those subbing calls will come in and I'll work - but right now, my focus is where it matters most - on the people that give me a heart of hope.